Suitcase Kids

Half of U.S. children have divorced parents. Many of those children go back and forth from one parent’s house to the other. Maybe they are 1 week on, 1 week off. Maybe they are 1 day a week and every other weekend. Maybe they spend most days at one parent’s house and then school breaks at the other house. Whatever the case, these kids get used to packing a bag and going to another house.

How can you make that better for them?​

Forgo the suitcase

• Divorced parents oftentimes quibble over items they personally buy for their children. Mom buys a new pair of shoes and expects those shoes to remain at her house. Dad buys a new coat and expects it to remain at his house. Suitcase kids lose a sense of ownership, belonging, and connection. Their clothes no longer are their clothes, they are “mom’s clothes” or “dad’s clothes.” Instead of forcing separateness on your child, pool your resources so your child has enough items at both homes that she doesn’t need to pack a suitcase, she can just go straight from one house to another and know HER things will be there.

Forgo using the terms “Mom’s house” or “Dad’s house."

• There are times you can’t avoid using the above terms, but try to use “your house, “the house,” or some phrase that connotes inclusivity with your child. A child who is living with both parents typically doesn’t refer to the family home as “my parents’ house,” he typically will say "my house." Likewise, parents who live together typically refer to the family house as "our house" or "the house." When divorce happens, suddenly a child goes from having a house to not having a house (e.g., I'm at my mom’s house this weekend). 

​Examples of exclusive and inclusive statements

• Exclusive: Did you leave your lunch box at my house?
• Inclusive: Is your lunch box at our house?
• Exclusive: After the game, I’ll be dropping you off at your dad’s house.
• Inclusive: After the game, I’ll be dropping you off at your house with your dad.

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A fractured home almost always is irreparable. While fractured homes sometimes are safer and healthier for all involved, oftentimes they are disruptive for a child’s development, so anything you can do to foster stability and security in your child’s life after divorce is best.

Belonging, connection, stability, and security are key factors in healthy child development. While being civil with an ex-partner may be incredibly difficult, that civility is important for your child after divorce.​

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Erica L. Daniels is a pediatric mental health counselor in the Cincinnati area. She works with anxious children, depressed children, and children who have experienced negative events. She also works with parents to help them manage their children’s difficult behaviors. For additional information on how Erica might be able to help your child or you, go to www.childcounselingplace.com.